TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further put where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "When you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "exactly where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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